I don’t know how to begin, so I’ll just get down to it. There are two words I have always lived by: hope and trust. Today I doubt the meaning of those words for many different reasons. (Please note that I used the word doubt. This does not mean I have completely given up on them.)
The only word I can think of to describe how this feels is simply…scary.
I feel as though I am failing a test that God has set before me. Because I am failing this so called test means that I’ll just have to be tested again, and I dread that. (It’s just like the GRE. You study, you fail, and you take it again. If you fail again, you study more, and take it again. If you fail again…well, you get the picture). I knew this day would come, where God would test me to see if I really, truly learned before. I was prepared. I was ready to face it head on. But here I am, in the midst of it feeling defeated.
So, just give it time, and this cycle will repeat itself. Let’s face it—I’m always right about these things.
I hate being right nowadays.
(I’ve never been a dramatic person. I avoid drama like the plague. Please don’t see this as drama, but just as someone being honest with herself and about herself to those around her.)
I’ve always been dubbed the “tough cookie”. No pain, no gain. It’s in my soccer playing blood. In soccer, if you quit or gave up, then you became the dreaded benchwarmer. Your job as the benchwarmer is to sit there and watch everyone else do what you couldn’t. I was never the benchwarmer. Why? I never gave up. For example, I have asthma. If I couldn’t breathe on the field then too bad; I had time to breathe after the game. I was also prone to getting hairline fractures on my left foot. When I fractured it doing suicides, I still played on it for weeks. It hurt like crazy, but too bad… I had a team to support and a game to play.
Today, I feel like I am playing a game, except this time I’m the one about to become the benchwarmer, and I have no zeal to get my head back in the game. However, there is still time left on the clock…
This game isn’t over yet.
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good attitude, manda! just keep your chin up and don't give up.. just like you said...
ReplyDeleteYou really are a tough cookie. I'm glad you're not giving up. But even the best players need to sit on the bench for a little while if they've been shaken up. Don't be afraid to rest, to sit on the bench and let your teammates and the coach encourage you. It's what they're there for. Above all else, be honest with God, others, and yourself. This game definitely ain't over yet.
ReplyDeleteGood comments, and I must agree with the last one. Sometimes we need to rest. God tells us to cast our burdens on Him. He can always handle it. There ARE times in our lives when there is too much for us to handle - that is not the time to play wounded. It is the time to rest, and to allow other people to experience the blessing of ministering to you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know you know that I KNOW what I'm talking about!
I love you, my dear.
Okay, I'm scared for you, but I don't know why. :-( Time to pray.
ReplyDelete